The Champion's Dilemma
by RuRuLaLa
Summary: Cedric is having a moral crisis. Harry has no morals. Blaise just wants to eat his din din. Rated P: for Perverts. Side Story to 'Oh You Didn't Know? Yeah, He's Awesome'. Gift Fic for my 200th Reviewer AmniIsRoving


Title: The Champion's Dilemma

Rating: T

Genre: Humor/Parody

Warnings: Some profanity. Slashyness. Naughty perverted tendencies

Summary: Cedric is having a moral crisis. Harry has no morals. Blaise just wants to eat his din din. Rated P: for Perverts. Side Story to 'Oh You Didn't Know? Yeah, He's Awesome'. Gift Fic for my 200th Reviewer AmniIsRoving

**~oOo~**

It was dinner time at Hogwarts School and Cedric Diggory was not a happy Hufflepuff. And it wasn't because of that lazy bit of alliteration either. No. He had dire, troublesome, _complicated_ things on his mind, and no amount of good cheer and pumpkin juice could pull him out of his funk.

Several days later after Clarence had come charging into his dorm room and spilled the beans about the First Task, he was still debating if he should let Harry Potter know about the dragons. His competiveness and niceness warred against each other constantly. Here was his perfect chance to win eternal glory, not to mention recognition and esteem to his much neglected House. Though, no matter what Cedric told himself, it seemed the price for this piece of fame was completely screwing over a guy who had been nothing but nice to him the few times they interacted.

The debate in his brain went thusly: Loose his edge in the game and tell Harry, or stay ahead and allow the Boy-Who-Lived to be mushed by pissed off dragons.

…Damnit. When did his life become so bloody unfair?

Cedric pushed his plate away from him and sighed. His friends (and several people who claimed to be his friend) immediately shifted their sharp eyed attention to him. Merlin, when had his House become so sycophantic? Sure, he'd always been pretty popular, but no one had ever fallen over their feat to please him so much before. Hell, Ernie Macmillan had offered to do his laundry so Cedric could concentrate on being a Champion. Students didn't even _do_ their laundry at Hogwarts!

With the patience of a saint, Cedric politely fended off the concerned questions and the well-meaning offers of sacrificing their first born children in his name (so much for his House being the most sensible) and headed for his dorm. By Helga's Helpfulness, he was going to do the right thing – even if it sucked (really _really_ super sucked) – and tell Harry about the Task. In order to do that though, he needed a firm plan of action. Approaching Potter without one would only cause Cedric to be derailed from the topic all together via eye-twitching crazy.

As he walked by the Slytherin table his foot caught on something (no doubt a foot. Dang Slytherins. Couldn't they take their angsty superiority issues out on someone else for once?). He started falling away from the table, but through an inexplicable bout of clumsiness he tripped _again_ and fell towards the table at such an angle that caused him to completely bowl over a guy.

They collapsed to the floor in a heap, and would have mashed their lips together if Cedric hadn't moved to the side at the last minute. As it happened, his lips met with cold hard stone floor instead, bruising and cutting them up painfully.

"Off me you blasted moron!" The Slytherin, Blaise Zabini he thought his name was (one of the few people in Hogwarts with the last name starting with Z) said scathingly.

Cedric scrambled to stand, not wanting to be entangled in this embarrassing position anymore than the Fourth Year. And not because the little jerk said so either! He was getting up on his own terms, he was just too mature to waste time and say so out loud. So nah nah on him!

After what seemed like an eternity of humiliation, the two students finally separated. Zabini muttered a cleaning spell, all the while giving him the stink eye of course, and waved his wand around himself as if to cover every nook and cranny. Good grief, was there really a need for all the dramatics? The House-elves kept the floor so clean you could eat ice cream off of it. _Without_ a cone!

"And _this_ is supposed to be the Champion we're supporting?" Penny or Something Something Parkinson said.

"Still better than Potter," said Malfoy.

"My faith in the intelligence of humanity dwindles that much more every time you speak, Draco."

"Shut it Zabini!" Malfoy whirled on the darker teen, who was casually eating his food again. "My father is – "

"A Dark Arts slut in the guise of a pretentious nobleman, I _know_ this Draco. You don't have to keep telling me."

"You can't talk to my Drakey like that!" Parkinson screeched.

Zabini sighed long sufferingly and looked to the starry ceiling. "Egads, that voice is like a banshee getting her tit twisted in a blender. Dearest mother, what did I ever do to deserve being forced in a school with such odious people?" He paused for a moment, then tapped his fork to his lip in thought. "Oh yes. Stepfather Andrious and the scalpels…that's why. Statement retracted." He waved the fork lazily at his gaping Housemates. "Carry on with your idiocy."

"YIPE!"

The Slytherins attention was once again focused on the Hufflepuff Champion, who was in yet another compromising position as he rubbed his bottom as if it had been swiftly swatted.

Far from sympathetic – so far that Polar Bears in Antarctica could feel his indifference – Zabini narrowed his eyes and said in that bland voice of his; "You're not going to fall on me again, are you? Because I can't guarantee that you will be able to get up again without your legs being broken."

Was it a Slytherin thing, or were all the kids his age so violent? Cedric didn't remember being so blood thirsty back when he was in Fourth Year.

"No, it's just…I thought I felt someone…" Cedric looked around the Great Hall frantically, hand still protectively holding his butt. No invisible booty slapper made a sudden appearance however. Maybe he was just imagining things…?

Well, he had more pressing matters to deal with than Slytherins and ghostly gropers. So, with a polite nod (undeserving as it was) Cedric strode out of the Great Hall.

**~oOo~**

"Damn it to Merlin!" Harry said as he watched Cedric Diggory scoot his _fine_ behind on out the Great Hall. He glared down at the two cute little plush dolls in his hands. One had on a Slytherin robe while the other had on a Hufflepuff robe. Both resembled adorable versions of two very familiar Hogwarts students…

So familiar, that when Hermione caught sight of them she immediately rounded on Harry with scandalized, rule abiding fury. "Harry! You told me you got rid of that voodoo doll! Do you have any idea how illegal this is? And I can't believe you bought another one!"

"Tch, I got ripped off is what I did. They didn't even gaze into each other's eyes before slowly lowering into a heated yet tender kiss! Bloody jip!" Harry crossed his arms and pouted. "This isn't at all how the yaoi manga said it would be."

Instead of scolding Harry further, Hermione whirled on Dean Thomas. "This is all _your_ fault! You should never have given him those books!"

"I didn't know what they were!" The easy going Gryffindor defended, shrinking back as Hermione's glare intensified. "My sister's always sending me random junk. They looked like cheesy romance comics to me. I thought Harry would be into that!"

"I am in to that. Thank you Dean!"

"Yow-ay?" Neville said slowly, as if testing the foreign word. "Is that another muggle thing?"

"It sounds like a place," said Seamus.

Harry nodded sagely. "It's a place I always want to be." He gazed into the Blaise-doll's unfathomable button eyes, and whispered; "_Always_."

"Honestly!" Hermione forged on in her lecture. "How could you be so careless? You know how impressionable Harry is."

Dean gave the huffy girl a deadpan stare, then turned to Harry, who was patting the bottom of one of his dolls (was that Cedric Diggor – Nope. Not going there) with relish and even gave Dean a cheery wave. "If that guy's impressionable, then I'm a turkey."

Harry waved the little Cedric (oh please do not let it be so) doll in front of Dean's face, and said for the plush toy in a falsetto; "Gobble, gobble!"

"Gimmie those!" Hermione leaped across the table and tried to snatch the dolls away. They played a valiant tug of war with them before they were flung to the ground.

"NUUUU!" Harry cried. "MY TOOLS OF PERVERSION!"

"Harry James! You get rid of those horrid things this instant!"

"_Hermione_, don't speak about Blaise and Cedric as if they are objects," Harry reprimanded seriously, as he cradled the dolls as if they were children or exceptionally cute puppies. "They are human beings with thoughts and feelings and the most _glorious_ ass cheeks in all of the nine realms!"

"Language Harry! There are children here!"

"You will not impede on my freedom to long distantly molest hot men!"

It was hard to tell if Hermione's face was red from embarrassment or rage. For now it was just rage, Harry knew the embarrassment would come later. And then the rage again. And then he wouldn't be allowed to have any more treacle tart. Phooey.

"There will be no more molesting. Especially at the dinner table."

"Tyrant!" Harry shook a small fist at his best friend. "We shall take our protests to the streets!"

Dean carefully eyed the Slytherin table. No one appeared to be being flung around by an invisible force, which would reflect the little scuffle Harry and Hermione were having with the dolls. Maybe they weren't real then, and Harry was just yanking their chain as usual.

And if he pretended that he didn't see Harry pocket a Hufflepuff Prefect Badge and what looked to be a sliced piece of Slytherin tie, then that was just fine. There were many things you just didn't want to go and fuck with in this crazy Wizarding World, and the guy with the voodoo dolls was one of them.

**~oOo~**

End Notes:

A HUUUUUUUUGE Shout out to AmniIsRoving for being my most splendiferous 200th reviewer (man I can't believe I made it that far ::_starry eyes_::). Her main request was to have Harry groping Cedric some way. I hope that the vicarious butt slapping was good enough.

Also! Some shameless plugging of the shameless variety. Go check out AmniIsRoving fics! They are amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazzzzzzzaaaahhhh h! I love them and I want you all to love them. So go love them! XD

Hope you all enjoyed!


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